My cousin asked the following question on an instagram post and I wanted to expand.

If you could give a message to your 30 year old self, what would you say?

40 is Better

But you don’t have to wait for what makes 40 better. You spent the first 39 years of your life looking for encouragement and people that will make you feel you are enough. You wanted reinforcement that your thoughts were valid and would resonate with others. That you were smart. That you could be successful.

You turned 40 and stopped concerning yourself with getting validation from other people. And it feels so much better.

You started reading more, expanding your sphere of influence.

You were beaten down emotionally and then physically by job stress and a lack of fulfillment.

And then you let it all go. You finally believed something.

I don’t have to prove myself.

When you stopped trying to prove yourself (to people that generally were not asking you to anyway) you realized there was nothing to prove. If your faith was strong or if had it been through fire, you thought, then you will have food and shelter. Eventually you began to believe what your faith had known and been told all along: you don’t have to worry about anything. You don’t have to strive to be loved. You just have to Be. (That last few sentences took another year and some more stress to believe. But you got there. And I’m so, crazy, infinitely proud.)

Work Hard to Know You

There are lots of things to learn. And you typically can do 70-80% of any task without a lot of effort. So you have been lazy most of your life, though you are often the only one who knows that is the case.

Instead of just getting by, you should work on something until you feel you can’t possibly do it well. And then keep going. Do not bail just because it is “good enough”. Over time you will find that doing so leaves you empty over time. You know a lot about a lot of things and can connect with people on a number of matters. But you are missing something deep that grounds you, that defines you, that makes you You. You will end up lacking something to be passionate about.

Storytime

Picture yourself in an airport and a stranger starts up a conversation with you.

Common questions abound: “Tell me about yourself” says the kindly person. You respond with a lot of “I have” statements.

“I have a wife.”

“I have 3 kids”.

“I have a job where I keep websites working.”

These are all descriptors of other people in your life and how you spend part of your day. But who are you?

Where are the “I like” statements?

“I like doing…”

“I like being…”

“I like finding out about…”

You have been so busy building a life that others respect that you do not know who you are.

Rephrased: You are what you think others think you should be.

You pursued the thoughts and opinions of others so successfully that you have become your interpretation of those things.

Don’t do that any more.

Dig deep on the things that make you giddy; that make you feel excited; that make you curious.

Remember when you would work through Calculus problems that you couldn’t figure out because you were convinced there was an answer? They were hard and you were frustrated but you stuck with it because you knew there was an answer.

It turns out, the same is true of your creative life as well. The answer is out there. Keep doing the things you love, even when it is hard to pursue, engage, and master them. Because that is the path. And you will find life there. That is your answer.

Nerdy Writing Environment Notes
Written at: Blue pillowy couch. Kitchen table. Floor of church lobby.
Accessories: Laptop, Headphones, Coffee, and Water (nowhere near my laptop. I'm still sensitive about this.)
Soundtrack: Various, including a live sermon.