February 23
- Community events for kids
- Friends braving difficult driving conditions to be together
- Listening
I talk a lot. Or, I used to? Or, sometimes I still talk a lot in certain situations? However we choose to define it, there are definitely times where I take over conversations, rooms, groups of people, etc. Why? Affirmation.
I want others to admire my wit. To think I’m funny. To enjoy my presence. And so that often means I insert myself into conversations and moments just to show what I know.
In college I was in a relationship with someone and we were at dinner (I think at Ruby Tuesday’s! Are those still a thing?) and I had a wonderful time. It was great. That was my takeaway.
When we got in the car, my then girlfriend looked at me and asked, “Why do you have to be the center of attention all the time?” I was dumbfounded.
“What do you mean? We were all having a great time?”, said I.
“Really? You were dominating every conversation. No one else could get a word in.”, said she.
That was when I first realized I might have a problem. (smiles)
Since then I’ve tried to think more about what I say and when and why. It is still a struggle. Just a few weeks ago, we were playing a game with friends and I dove head first into the quick and easy laugh-getter. And ended up making someone feel bad.
I spend so many waking minutes trying to make sure I don’t upset anyone, but when it comes to having others validate me, I’m quick to throw others under the bus. So frustrating.
In recent months, I have been learning more about the ego and what it needs and how it is never satisfied and now I’m not playing its game as much. I went for the cheap laugh last night at another game night and it was lighter, gentler. Less obnoxious. So maybe that’s progress.
And I’m learning that progress is all I can truly aim for.